starlight - muse

i retired early last night, around 10, and woke up almost 3 hours later to a vivid dream of vicky. i woke up happy; vicky and i were going out and having fun- the dream felt soo real, that when i woke up i and realized it wasn't everything spiraled downwards. i thought it was at least 5 in the morning when i was awakened; 5 is the usual time the pain in my leg wakes me. when i saw it was not yet 1, i was even more disappointed because i knew it would take me ages to fall asleep again.
i admit that i'm scared to be happy. i feel guilty when i take pleasure in life's little things, like talking to hector and jenny online and smiling when they try to amuse me. or when old friends come over to see how i'm doing. it makes me happy to know that so many care, but at the same time i don't want to be happy. i don't feel like i deserve this. it's a mystery to me why i'm alive- everyone keeps saying it's because i'm strong and tough, but does that mean vicky was any less? supposedly i was the one who got hit and flew 50 ft. from point a to point b. shouldn't i have suffered more damage than a scarred face, two missing teeth and a fractured leg? how is it that vicky looked like she was only sleeping in the hospital and sported only a shattered leg, but never woke up?
yesterday i went back to the apartment to pick some things up. there were two things i wanted to get specifically- a necklace she'd given me, and pictures of the two of us. i've started using the perfume she gave me last year; the philosophy inner grace. it's actually a very mellow and calming scent. i didn't actually like it much when she first gave it to me for xmas and i never really wore it because it was a light and intimate scent, and i had always just preferred my trademark orange blossom over it.
i'm such a broken person. i don't know when everything will be the same again, but i don't think it will be for a while. i know i'm blessed to have so many people care for me in this world- my mother, my aunts and uncles, my cousins and my friends have showed me that. but i feel so broken, and i don't know how to ever repay them for showing me such consideration. it must hurt them to see me like this, so i'm just going to have to try harder to make everything seem normal.


-ellie