fix you - coldplay

i just finished the last of three letters last night. one of them i will never send- it's to vicky. the other two are to hector and jennifer; i'm debating whether to send it by post or to have someone bring it to them at UCR.
basically i never got the chance to tell vicky how much she's meant to me. in the 6 years that i've known her, i never told her how much i've appreciated all that she's done for me, how much she's meant to me, or how much i love her for being one of my close friends. and now i've missed the chance. so i wrote her a letter telling her exactly how she's changed me for the better, and recounting our past random adventures. i don't want to make the same mistake again, so i've written a letter to hector and jennifer telling them each in turn how much they mean to me, and how much i love them for loving me and being my friend.
i don't remember when vicky and i started being friends- i just know that we met sometime in the beginning of our freshman year of high school, during a red cross meeting in ms. chen's room. she was the first vegetarian i'd ever met besides myself, and so i was excited about that and also that we shared a common interest in helping people and animals. i don't know when the transition began-after that we'd just become fast friends, and we started trying to build the red cross club up. three years later and we'd succeeded in making the club fairly popular, and very active. by then we were pretty good friends through all of our red cross adventures. all those meetings at the haunted chapter house, the volunteering events, blood drives. those late nights where i would plan elaborate events like the winter ball- how she'd encourage me to be as creative and dramatic as i wanted; her motto was that somehow, we'd get it done and make it happen. how she, i and tammy got mad at kyle miller, the president then, for never responding to any of our messages. how tammy had gotten so mad as to give him a piece of her mind. i had never gotten around to telling vicky how ky and i recently got mad because his sister, katie miller, the new president, stole my idea and didn't give us credit. but besides that, we had so much fun planning events. and the summer before i started my first year of college, i still remember how excited i was, nearly 2 summers ago, when i found out that we'd be living on the same street. i'd called her and told her the number of my house and she'd guessed wrongly that i would live down the street from her..then i went to look at the house i found out we lived one house apart. hahah we had a good laugh at that. vicky never really had the best sense of direction. oh and our random excursions during the summer on the quest for food- froyo or sushi or just edibles in general. how i used to dress up in heels and vicky and tammy would get all "why do you have to make us look bad elaine??". over the summer she and ky used to come over to my house and watch friends or will and grace with me. sometimes we'd pick up tammy and go out late at night for food. sometimes i wasn't allowed to go either because i had work the next day or mum thought it was too late. and i'd miss out on adventures then. because of work, i had missed out on norms, the enchanted forest and venice beach. i'm going to miss our bonfires, and the randomness of them. one of us would have the urge to go to the beach and if there was a general consensus then we'd just start calling up red cross ppl and have a beach bonfire trip. we were always supposed to have a camping trip but it just never happened..i think because i wanted them to be "real" camping trips in a tent and she wanted them in the comfort of a cabin. she had helped me move into my dorms my freshman year of college and got mistaken as my mum- so thats how i started calling her my mummy and she started calling me your daughter. whenever i got lonely she would webcam with me from new york and introduce to me her new friends there. or she would call me on the phone and we'd just talk for hours. i remember once we had a talk about someone i thought i liked for about three hours. recently she mentioned him and when i expressed surprise that she remembered his name, she was like, how can i forget? we talked about him for three whole hours!! and i remember last year, i got all excited because i was supposed to fly to new york to see her over my spring break, but it never happened because the week i got my mum's consent, it got revoked due to the amount of technical problems with the airplanes at the time. so i was supposed to see her this time around come winter break- vicky, james and i were discussing plane ticket prices while we were in that guy's dorm in UR, and i was supposed to look up the actual prices when we got home. i'm really sad that now i'll never go to new york to see her. i haven't even gotten to tell her the rest of the story of the drama i was involved in, or the ending of it. i wasn't able to give her her goodbye present that i told her i'd ordered her and told her that she'd have come to pick up the day before she left- instead i had to give it to her aunt and explain what it was. i had gotten her two blindboxed tokidoki pups and i think only vicky would have understood the significance of it; she loved tokidoki and her first tattoo was based off one of the characters.
i never thought that i'd lose a friend so early on in life. but then again, you don't think about losing people. it just happens because of other people's stupid mistakes in their lives.
i miss her so much. i feel so alone because we were both supposed to come out of this okay. she and i were supposed to get out of the hospital and get well together. it would've been a long process but the two of us live almost next doors so it wouldn't have been so bad. i feel like she's abandoned me. i'm not angry, just sad. we had future plans together that will never happen. i wonder if it always hurts this much. i feel like a piece of me is missing and it just hurts so much.


-ellie