today is a month from the day of the accident. i'm going to try my best not to mourn vicky anymore, but instead to remember her at her best and brightest and live life to the fullest for her. there doesn't go a day where i don't think about her, but starting today, i'll try to think more positively, the way she would've wanted me to.
i miss you so much dearest mummy. i love you and i will never ever forget you. thanks for always being there for me. <3
-ellie
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
starlight - muse
i retired early last night, around 10, and woke up almost 3 hours later to a vivid dream of vicky. i woke up happy; vicky and i were going out and having fun- the dream felt soo real, that when i woke up i and realized it wasn't everything spiraled downwards. i thought it was at least 5 in the morning when i was awakened; 5 is the usual time the pain in my leg wakes me. when i saw it was not yet 1, i was even more disappointed because i knew it would take me ages to fall asleep again.
i admit that i'm scared to be happy. i feel guilty when i take pleasure in life's little things, like talking to hector and jenny online and smiling when they try to amuse me. or when old friends come over to see how i'm doing. it makes me happy to know that so many care, but at the same time i don't want to be happy. i don't feel like i deserve this. it's a mystery to me why i'm alive- everyone keeps saying it's because i'm strong and tough, but does that mean vicky was any less? supposedly i was the one who got hit and flew 50 ft. from point a to point b. shouldn't i have suffered more damage than a scarred face, two missing teeth and a fractured leg? how is it that vicky looked like she was only sleeping in the hospital and sported only a shattered leg, but never woke up?
yesterday i went back to the apartment to pick some things up. there were two things i wanted to get specifically- a necklace she'd given me, and pictures of the two of us. i've started using the perfume she gave me last year; the philosophy inner grace. it's actually a very mellow and calming scent. i didn't actually like it much when she first gave it to me for xmas and i never really wore it because it was a light and intimate scent, and i had always just preferred my trademark orange blossom over it.
i'm such a broken person. i don't know when everything will be the same again, but i don't think it will be for a while. i know i'm blessed to have so many people care for me in this world- my mother, my aunts and uncles, my cousins and my friends have showed me that. but i feel so broken, and i don't know how to ever repay them for showing me such consideration. it must hurt them to see me like this, so i'm just going to have to try harder to make everything seem normal.
-ellie
i admit that i'm scared to be happy. i feel guilty when i take pleasure in life's little things, like talking to hector and jenny online and smiling when they try to amuse me. or when old friends come over to see how i'm doing. it makes me happy to know that so many care, but at the same time i don't want to be happy. i don't feel like i deserve this. it's a mystery to me why i'm alive- everyone keeps saying it's because i'm strong and tough, but does that mean vicky was any less? supposedly i was the one who got hit and flew 50 ft. from point a to point b. shouldn't i have suffered more damage than a scarred face, two missing teeth and a fractured leg? how is it that vicky looked like she was only sleeping in the hospital and sported only a shattered leg, but never woke up?
yesterday i went back to the apartment to pick some things up. there were two things i wanted to get specifically- a necklace she'd given me, and pictures of the two of us. i've started using the perfume she gave me last year; the philosophy inner grace. it's actually a very mellow and calming scent. i didn't actually like it much when she first gave it to me for xmas and i never really wore it because it was a light and intimate scent, and i had always just preferred my trademark orange blossom over it.
i'm such a broken person. i don't know when everything will be the same again, but i don't think it will be for a while. i know i'm blessed to have so many people care for me in this world- my mother, my aunts and uncles, my cousins and my friends have showed me that. but i feel so broken, and i don't know how to ever repay them for showing me such consideration. it must hurt them to see me like this, so i'm just going to have to try harder to make everything seem normal.
-ellie
Friday, October 23, 2009
fix you - coldplay
i just finished the last of three letters last night. one of them i will never send- it's to vicky. the other two are to hector and jennifer; i'm debating whether to send it by post or to have someone bring it to them at UCR.
basically i never got the chance to tell vicky how much she's meant to me. in the 6 years that i've known her, i never told her how much i've appreciated all that she's done for me, how much she's meant to me, or how much i love her for being one of my close friends. and now i've missed the chance. so i wrote her a letter telling her exactly how she's changed me for the better, and recounting our past random adventures. i don't want to make the same mistake again, so i've written a letter to hector and jennifer telling them each in turn how much they mean to me, and how much i love them for loving me and being my friend.
i don't remember when vicky and i started being friends- i just know that we met sometime in the beginning of our freshman year of high school, during a red cross meeting in ms. chen's room. she was the first vegetarian i'd ever met besides myself, and so i was excited about that and also that we shared a common interest in helping people and animals. i don't know when the transition began-after that we'd just become fast friends, and we started trying to build the red cross club up. three years later and we'd succeeded in making the club fairly popular, and very active. by then we were pretty good friends through all of our red cross adventures. all those meetings at the haunted chapter house, the volunteering events, blood drives. those late nights where i would plan elaborate events like the winter ball- how she'd encourage me to be as creative and dramatic as i wanted; her motto was that somehow, we'd get it done and make it happen. how she, i and tammy got mad at kyle miller, the president then, for never responding to any of our messages. how tammy had gotten so mad as to give him a piece of her mind. i had never gotten around to telling vicky how ky and i recently got mad because his sister, katie miller, the new president, stole my idea and didn't give us credit. but besides that, we had so much fun planning events. and the summer before i started my first year of college, i still remember how excited i was, nearly 2 summers ago, when i found out that we'd be living on the same street. i'd called her and told her the number of my house and she'd guessed wrongly that i would live down the street from her..then i went to look at the house i found out we lived one house apart. hahah we had a good laugh at that. vicky never really had the best sense of direction. oh and our random excursions during the summer on the quest for food- froyo or sushi or just edibles in general. how i used to dress up in heels and vicky and tammy would get all "why do you have to make us look bad elaine??". over the summer she and ky used to come over to my house and watch friends or will and grace with me. sometimes we'd pick up tammy and go out late at night for food. sometimes i wasn't allowed to go either because i had work the next day or mum thought it was too late. and i'd miss out on adventures then. because of work, i had missed out on norms, the enchanted forest and venice beach. i'm going to miss our bonfires, and the randomness of them. one of us would have the urge to go to the beach and if there was a general consensus then we'd just start calling up red cross ppl and have a beach bonfire trip. we were always supposed to have a camping trip but it just never happened..i think because i wanted them to be "real" camping trips in a tent and she wanted them in the comfort of a cabin. she had helped me move into my dorms my freshman year of college and got mistaken as my mum- so thats how i started calling her my mummy and she started calling me your daughter. whenever i got lonely she would webcam with me from new york and introduce to me her new friends there. or she would call me on the phone and we'd just talk for hours. i remember once we had a talk about someone i thought i liked for about three hours. recently she mentioned him and when i expressed surprise that she remembered his name, she was like, how can i forget? we talked about him for three whole hours!! and i remember last year, i got all excited because i was supposed to fly to new york to see her over my spring break, but it never happened because the week i got my mum's consent, it got revoked due to the amount of technical problems with the airplanes at the time. so i was supposed to see her this time around come winter break- vicky, james and i were discussing plane ticket prices while we were in that guy's dorm in UR, and i was supposed to look up the actual prices when we got home. i'm really sad that now i'll never go to new york to see her. i haven't even gotten to tell her the rest of the story of the drama i was involved in, or the ending of it. i wasn't able to give her her goodbye present that i told her i'd ordered her and told her that she'd have come to pick up the day before she left- instead i had to give it to her aunt and explain what it was. i had gotten her two blindboxed tokidoki pups and i think only vicky would have understood the significance of it; she loved tokidoki and her first tattoo was based off one of the characters.
i never thought that i'd lose a friend so early on in life. but then again, you don't think about losing people. it just happens because of other people's stupid mistakes in their lives.
i miss her so much. i feel so alone because we were both supposed to come out of this okay. she and i were supposed to get out of the hospital and get well together. it would've been a long process but the two of us live almost next doors so it wouldn't have been so bad. i feel like she's abandoned me. i'm not angry, just sad. we had future plans together that will never happen. i wonder if it always hurts this much. i feel like a piece of me is missing and it just hurts so much.
-ellie
basically i never got the chance to tell vicky how much she's meant to me. in the 6 years that i've known her, i never told her how much i've appreciated all that she's done for me, how much she's meant to me, or how much i love her for being one of my close friends. and now i've missed the chance. so i wrote her a letter telling her exactly how she's changed me for the better, and recounting our past random adventures. i don't want to make the same mistake again, so i've written a letter to hector and jennifer telling them each in turn how much they mean to me, and how much i love them for loving me and being my friend.
i don't remember when vicky and i started being friends- i just know that we met sometime in the beginning of our freshman year of high school, during a red cross meeting in ms. chen's room. she was the first vegetarian i'd ever met besides myself, and so i was excited about that and also that we shared a common interest in helping people and animals. i don't know when the transition began-after that we'd just become fast friends, and we started trying to build the red cross club up. three years later and we'd succeeded in making the club fairly popular, and very active. by then we were pretty good friends through all of our red cross adventures. all those meetings at the haunted chapter house, the volunteering events, blood drives. those late nights where i would plan elaborate events like the winter ball- how she'd encourage me to be as creative and dramatic as i wanted; her motto was that somehow, we'd get it done and make it happen. how she, i and tammy got mad at kyle miller, the president then, for never responding to any of our messages. how tammy had gotten so mad as to give him a piece of her mind. i had never gotten around to telling vicky how ky and i recently got mad because his sister, katie miller, the new president, stole my idea and didn't give us credit. but besides that, we had so much fun planning events. and the summer before i started my first year of college, i still remember how excited i was, nearly 2 summers ago, when i found out that we'd be living on the same street. i'd called her and told her the number of my house and she'd guessed wrongly that i would live down the street from her..then i went to look at the house i found out we lived one house apart. hahah we had a good laugh at that. vicky never really had the best sense of direction. oh and our random excursions during the summer on the quest for food- froyo or sushi or just edibles in general. how i used to dress up in heels and vicky and tammy would get all "why do you have to make us look bad elaine??". over the summer she and ky used to come over to my house and watch friends or will and grace with me. sometimes we'd pick up tammy and go out late at night for food. sometimes i wasn't allowed to go either because i had work the next day or mum thought it was too late. and i'd miss out on adventures then. because of work, i had missed out on norms, the enchanted forest and venice beach. i'm going to miss our bonfires, and the randomness of them. one of us would have the urge to go to the beach and if there was a general consensus then we'd just start calling up red cross ppl and have a beach bonfire trip. we were always supposed to have a camping trip but it just never happened..i think because i wanted them to be "real" camping trips in a tent and she wanted them in the comfort of a cabin. she had helped me move into my dorms my freshman year of college and got mistaken as my mum- so thats how i started calling her my mummy and she started calling me your daughter. whenever i got lonely she would webcam with me from new york and introduce to me her new friends there. or she would call me on the phone and we'd just talk for hours. i remember once we had a talk about someone i thought i liked for about three hours. recently she mentioned him and when i expressed surprise that she remembered his name, she was like, how can i forget? we talked about him for three whole hours!! and i remember last year, i got all excited because i was supposed to fly to new york to see her over my spring break, but it never happened because the week i got my mum's consent, it got revoked due to the amount of technical problems with the airplanes at the time. so i was supposed to see her this time around come winter break- vicky, james and i were discussing plane ticket prices while we were in that guy's dorm in UR, and i was supposed to look up the actual prices when we got home. i'm really sad that now i'll never go to new york to see her. i haven't even gotten to tell her the rest of the story of the drama i was involved in, or the ending of it. i wasn't able to give her her goodbye present that i told her i'd ordered her and told her that she'd have come to pick up the day before she left- instead i had to give it to her aunt and explain what it was. i had gotten her two blindboxed tokidoki pups and i think only vicky would have understood the significance of it; she loved tokidoki and her first tattoo was based off one of the characters.
i never thought that i'd lose a friend so early on in life. but then again, you don't think about losing people. it just happens because of other people's stupid mistakes in their lives.
i miss her so much. i feel so alone because we were both supposed to come out of this okay. she and i were supposed to get out of the hospital and get well together. it would've been a long process but the two of us live almost next doors so it wouldn't have been so bad. i feel like she's abandoned me. i'm not angry, just sad. we had future plans together that will never happen. i wonder if it always hurts this much. i feel like a piece of me is missing and it just hurts so much.
-ellie
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
a message - coldplay
i'm healing up at a remarkably fast pace. my fat leg has begun to unswell, slightly, and the bruises are slowly beginning to fade. the cuts on my back and everywhere else are scabbing and falling off. i think i've begun to look better than i feel. i feel so tired and breakable. i'm tired of being the strong one. i know that by surviving, not only am i lucky, but the incident indirectly sends me the message that i'm not done here yet. so i refuse to fail because i know i'm not done with life here. but i'm tired of being strong. it doesn't mean i'm going to falter and stop being strong. i'm just tired. of leading, of looking forever calm and in control. sometimes i wish i can shed some light on how i really feel inside, but i know it will never happen because that's just me. strong, calm and in control. i just wish someone can hold my hand and lead me for a bit.
it's like the past two weeks are part of a surreal experience and not part of my life. i still can't make myself truly believe that vicky has passed away, that vicky is not coming home. when i dream, it's mostly of her and me just hanging out. and then when i wake up, i get the oddest feeling because it's only then that i remember that she's never coming back. i've started crying myself to sleep. it's unintentional but i think about her and i remember all the good times we had together and i just miss her so much more.
-cat
it's like the past two weeks are part of a surreal experience and not part of my life. i still can't make myself truly believe that vicky has passed away, that vicky is not coming home. when i dream, it's mostly of her and me just hanging out. and then when i wake up, i get the oddest feeling because it's only then that i remember that she's never coming back. i've started crying myself to sleep. it's unintentional but i think about her and i remember all the good times we had together and i just miss her so much more.
-cat
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